There’s a lot of noise about what makes a great leader.
Have you noticed how much of it focuses on speaking, presenting, and “commanding the room”?
But here’s what I’ve discovered after years of working with influential leaders: The most powerful move isn’t about what you say at all.
I recently had a fascinating conversation with Celeste Headlee on my podcast Inside Influence (link to episode here), an award-winning journalist who’s interviewed everyone from Nobel laureates to truck drivers over her 20-year career in the media.
What she shared completely transformed how I think about leadership presence.
The leadership landscape is changing.
We’re living in an age of unprecedented division. Strong opinions. Fierce debates.
And if you’re like many of the leaders I work with, you’re navigating increasingly complex conversations – whether it’s with team members, stakeholders, or industry peers.
You know those moments:
- When your heart races before a difficult conversation
- When you know there will be strong opposition to your ideas
- When you need to bridge seemingly impossible divides
- When you’re trying to lead through change and overwhelm
Here’s what nobody tells you about these moments: The solution isn’t in perfecting your argument.
It’s in mastering something far more powerful.
Let me explain…
Headlee asked me a question that stopped me in my tracks: “When was the last time someone changed your deeply held beliefs during a single conversation?”
Think about that for a moment.
I bet, like me, you’re drawing a blank – because it almost never happens.
Yet how many of us walk into difficult conversations armed with perfectly rehearsed arguments, determined to make others see things our way?
The moment we stop trying to change people’s minds is the moment we become truly influential.
This isn’t about backing down or compromising your views.
It’s about something far more powerful: creating genuine understanding and connection.
The science proves this works.
Researchers at Princeton discovered something called “neural coupling” – when we truly listen to someone, our brains literally sync up with theirs.
This creates an empathic bond that no perfectly crafted argument can achieve.
For a moment, think about the leaders you most admire:
I’m guessing they made you feel truly heard. They asked great questions that made you think deeply. They created a regular safe space for dialogue. They sought to understand before being understood.
This isn’t an accident – these are skills they cultivated.
And you can too.
Here’s how to start:
1. Drop the rehearsal. Instead of practicing your responses, walk in with curiosity. As Headlee shared, “I would never rehearse for a conversation… Go in with some clearly defined points that you want to cover and use that as a guide.”
2. Master the support response. When someone shares something challenging, resist the urge to say: “I know exactly how you feel.” Instead, try: “Tell me more about that…” or “What impact has that had?”
3. Create distraction-free space. Put your phone away. Close your email. Give your full attention. The research is clear: Just having your phone visible significantly reduces the likelihood of deep connection.
4. Watch for the freeze. Notice when you feel yourself tensing up or getting defensive. This is your cue to get curious instead of argumentative.
But here’s what makes this truly powerful:
When you master this approach, something remarkable happens.
You don’t just handle difficult conversations better – you handle life better. Every challenging conversation becomes a doorway to deeper connection.
In a world where everyone is shouting to be heard, this is how we earn respect.
What challenging conversation have you been avoiding?
Instead of rehearsing what you’ll say, write down three genuine questions you could ask to better understand their perspective.
This takes courage – not to change their mind, but to truly understand their view.
Because sometimes the most powerful thing you can do as a leader, is simply say nothing at all.
Keep showing up.