I want you to picture this…

A father in Haiti receives a call from Washington DC after his son is kidnapped. The voice on the line doesn’t start by listing his FBI credentials or years of experience. Instead, he says:

“Haitian kidnappers are not killing kidnap victims. Today is Thursday and kidnappers love to party on Saturday night. Follow my guidance, and we’ll have your son out by early Saturday morning.”

The father immediately responds, “Tell me what to do.”

No questions about qualifications.

This is how my conversation began with Chris Voss, former FBI lead hostage negotiator, when I interviewed him on Inside influence podcast.

What he taught me completely flipped my understanding of influence.

People don’t care about your credentials. They care whether you understand their reality.

This principle transforms how we approach every negotiation—whether with clients, colleagues, or (as Chris noted) our children, who “are also terrorists”.

Here’s what I learned that changed my approach.

First we need to abandon our ‘yes’ addiction.

I had always thought negotiation was about getting to “yes” as quickly as possible, but according to Chris this is absolutely the wrong goal.

“When we hear ‘yes’, we love it,” Chris explained. However, most yeses in negotiations are counterfeit – people say yes to get more information or end conversations, with zero intention of following through.

So what should we aim for instead?

Instead we need to aim for the words “That’s right”.

These two words signal something profound—the other person feels completely understood. This creates an empathy bond that makes people immediately drop their guard and become more collaborative.

The path to hearing these words usually starts by making statements or asking questions, that make it clear we have empathy for the other party.

If we can get ‘That’s right” as a response. We’re on the right track.

Empathy in intense conversations isn’t always easy.

However first let’s get clear on what empathy actually means.

“Empathy is pure understanding with neither agreement nor disagreement.”

This definition means you can empathize with anyone—even those whose values directly oppose your own. You don’t have to like someone to understand them.

The second myth Chris demolished was the classic “win-win.”

He told me bluntly, “Win-win is a horrible idea.”

As he put it “The person who offers to meet you in the middle, is often a poor judge of distance. There is no exact mid-point in a negotiation.”

So what’s the alternative?

Look for what Chris calls “the overlap of unknowns.” Both sides are holding cards they don’t want to show. These could be unexpressed desires, urgencies or fears. Once you know what they are you can find new solutions.

Your job isn’t to win—it’s to discover what’s hidden.

The most powerful negotiation tool I learned is deceptively simple.

When facing an unreasonable demand, rather than saying “no” instead ask:

“How am I supposed to do that?”

This one has been a pure gold game changer.

Rather than halting the negotiation, it immediately sends the pressure to respond straight back. It also forces the other party to stop and genuinely consider your position – while also inviting them to solve your problem.

So the next time you enter a high-stakes conversation.

Let the other side go first. Listen for understanding rather than agreement. Ask “How am I supposed to do that?” when faced with unreasonable demands.

In Chris’ experience these approaches work about 75% of the time.

“If I took you to Las Vegas and gave you a gambling system that worked 75% of the time, you would eventually own Vegas”.

That’s what it feels like to have the odds stacked in your favour.

So what negotiation do you need to have this week, where these principles could transform the outcome?