What if the biggest obstacle to getting what you want isn’t your negotiation skills.
But how you think about negotiation in the first place?
Recently on Inside Influence podcast, I spoke with Professor Margaret Neale, the Adams Distinguished Professor of Management at Stanford’s Graduate School of Business and co-author of “Getting More of What You Want.”
Firstly, I just love the title of her book.
All too often in negotiation we focus too heavily on how to get ‘more’, without thinking critically enough about what we actually want.
After decades of groundbreaking research, Margaret discovered that most of us are approaching negotiation completely backward.
The world of negotiation is typically depicted as a battlefield.
Desk-banging, horn-locking, and hardball tactics.
But this battle-oriented framework is as broken as it is ineffective – especially for high performing women who already face unique challenges at the negotiation table.
What fascinates me about Margaret’s approach is that she flips the entire concept of negotiation upside down. Moving from ‘battlefield’ mindset to feeling ‘bulletproof’ in your ability to problem-solve.
In this article, you’ll discover how to transform your negotiation mindset from battlefield to bulletproof. Including the shifts I now frequently use both at work and at home (nothing like negotiating with family to really test a theory).
Why the “Battlefield Mindset” is costing you more than you realize
Margaret pointed out that most of us think about negotiation as: ‘I’m going to try to get stuff from you that you don’t want me to have, and I’m going to do everything I can to stop you from getting my stuff.’
This mindset creates a huge filter through which you assess everyone’s behaviour – and it’s almost always negative. You assume the worst intentions and then, as a result, focus solely on ‘winning’ often at the expense of long-term relationships.
However, when you frame negotiation as a battle, you limit your negotiations only to people you’re willing to fight.
This has huge consequences.
By limiting your negotiations only to people you want to fight, you miss big opportunities to collaborate and find hidden solutions. According to Margaret, this often results in worse outcomes, especially in the long term.
Reframing negotiation as collaborative problem-solving
Instead of viewing negotiation as a battle, Margaret suggests a powerful alternative: collaborative problem-solving.
Now to be clear, this isn’t about group hugs and rainbows. It’s a strategic approach to getting what you want that has critical dimensions:
- You end with a significantly better outcome
- Your counterpart willingly walks the path of agreement with you
- You frame your proposal as a solution to their problem
This transforms the entire definition of negotiation into: “Finding a solution to your counterpart’s problem that makes you better off than you would have been had you not negotiated”. Instead of trying to ‘win’, you leverage your resources to solve their challenges in a way that benefits you both.
The preparation advantage most people miss
When I asked how to prepare for a negotiation Margaret replied: “Successful negotiators are master planners and preparers. Yet most of us spend minimal time preparing, if any at all”.
Her rule? “You should think about preparing twice as long as you think the negotiation will take”. For a half-hour negotiation with your manager, prepare for an hour. For a six-month contract negotiation, prepare for a year.
The insight: When you prepare properly, you’re not just clarifying what you want – you’re identifying your counterpart’s problems and challenges so you can position your requests as compelling solutions. That process should take time.
The secret “packaging” strategy
This one genuinely changed the game for me as a negotiator.
According to Margaret most of us negotiate issue by issue, but her research reveals that this approach actually destroys value. When we solve easy issues first, we’re left fighting over the difficult ones with nothing to trade.
Instead, she recommends ‘packaging’ issues together: “The synergy comes when I can give more on issues you care more about – and get more on issues I care about”.
The insight: Negotiating multiple issues simultaneously allows for trading across preferences – you give more on issues that matter less to you, in exchange for getting more on issues that matter more.
For women: The surprising advantage you might be overlooking
The research shows that when women negotiate for themselves, they often face backlash, being perceived as greedy, demanding, or “too pushy”. This is both frustrating to hear, and definitely frustrating to experience.
However, Margaret’s findings reveal a fascinating flip side: “When women are negotiating for others, they outperform men between 14 and 22 percent.”
Why? Because when advocating for a team or organization, women aren’t subject to the same social pressure and can negotiate more freely.
The insight: If you’re facing resistance in negotiations, think about reframing your solutions to how they benefits your team, organization, clients or even industry. This isn’t just strategic – the research shows it leads to better outcomes.
What’s at stake if you don’t make this shift?
Clinging to the battle mindset doesn’t just lead to worse outcomes – it fundamentally limits your sphere of influence.
You’ll negotiate less frequently, with fewer people, and with more anxiety and stress. You’ll likely leave value on the table and damage relationships in the process.
Think about this question for a moment.
What would change in your life if you loved rather than feared the process of negotiation.
By shifting your mindset, you transform negotiation from something you dread into a powerful tool to move your relationship forward.
Negotiation isn’t about fighting for what you want.
It’s about finding solutions to others’ problems.
That make you better off in the process.